I have deleted my post of this morning. Last night was very scary time for me. Beth was getting worse and I was feeling helpless. And when I am feeling helpless I either try to escape or control. I tried a little of both last night. But ended up still feeling helpless, scared and frustrated. So I tried to figure out how I was feeling by putting my words down on ‘paper.’ I published it because I wanted ‘a voice’, I wanted someone to hear all those screams of emotion going on inside my head. I loved Beth very much
The bleeding in Elizabeth’s ear scared me a lot. It was an ‘automatic go-to-hospital’ event. And yet Elizabeth wouldn’t. And she kept using q-tips when I told her not to, because I was scared and just wanted it to stop. Cheryl and Beth determined that it was likely that a spike in blood pressure ripped the eardrum. But all I could see was the blood that was coming out.
Beth didn’t take a break when we got up from the nap; she wrote emails. The worse she got the more emails she wrote. As time passed and there were even more emails, more passing out, her actions made me frustrated and angry. But the anger went away when Beth told me that she needed to let people know because she was scared she was going to die. She was on oxygen, and I had to use the ambi-bag but she wouldn’t go to bed. She was scared that if she died people would never know that she was thankful for their help, or that she cared. I knew she had already sent emails telling people these things, but with her memory and brain damage she did not. She could feel my frustration and asked, "Am I a BAD person for being scared?"
I kept a close eye on her as her hands turned black, as she had to use the oxygen re-breather but I didn’t stop her as it was important to her to leave these messages. But my feelings of frustration and helpless grew until I needed to write them down. To have someone, anyone listen to me.
Beth finished, and I pushed her to the bathroom. She had wanted to write a note to Cheryl but forgot, so as I helped her she kept say, "Tell Cheryl I love her. Tell Cheryl I love her."
I will be with Beth today as we promised each other than if Beth woke up, we would have an ‘us’ day. I am sorry I ended up deleting the comments from the other post, but that wasn’t the story, that was my scream of frustration. And to leave that up, would only hurt Beth, because being sick isn’t her fault. But it sure is hard to stand by helpless.